10 Things No One Ever Told Me About Raising Boys

This morning, at dawn, I crept outside to the back porch for a quiet cup of coffee before the day’s insanity began. I pushed aside one blue Nerf gun, a defunct shovel from a backhoe loader, and roughly 15,000 rocks in order to sit down and watch the barn swallows gracefully dip and swoop through the air collecting their breakfast.

As I sat there, looking at the disaster zone that is my back porch no matter how often I organize it, I could only laugh at how wonderful and messy life with boys is.

Homesteading with boys is nonstop. I’m forever picking up Army men, patching up cut knees, playing tag, breaking up fights, reading aloud everything ever written by Dav Pilkey, yelling at them not to shoot the chickens with their pellet gun, and gently encouraging them to set their latest critter free. Boys are exhausting, and yet, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

My oldest is about to turn seven. And after almost seven years raising boys, here are ten things I wish I’d known at the onset of this crazy journey.

1. Nature Will Invade Your Home

Our two boys live outside. Every day they tromp through the pastures, climb trees, swim in the creek, and search for frogs in the pond.

As you might guess, they constantly bring their treasures into the house for inspection and display. This includes both living and nonliving items. Rocks, fossils, baby birds, sticks that look like guns or ships, bones, salamanders, seedpods, butterflies…they all wind up inside. Just last week Huck brought in a baby turtle that wandered around the house for half a day before I realized it was there. I discovered the poor creature stuck halfway under the bookcase, trying in vain to find a hiding spot from the madness.

Raising boys in the country means that nature will inevitably find its way into your home on a regular basis. You might as well embrace it, because there’s sure no stopping it. We use an old printer’s tray we hung on the wall to display their gemstones, fossils, and interestingly shaped bones. My bookends are giant fossilized coral they dug up from the creek. And, there just might be a turtle wandering around the house…I’ll have to go check.

2. One Word: Dirt

It’s amazing how dirty boys can get out in the country. It’s like they are a magnet for dirt. And when they tromp inside to show you their latest treasure, all that dirt on their feet and clothes is going to wind up on the kitchen floor.

Here’s a tip: invest in a good broom and vacuum cleaner. You’ll need it.

3. Buy Lots of Clothing

I’ve come to realize that if our homestead didn’t have so much water on it (creek, pond, and spring,) I’d probably have a lot less laundry to do.

On an average day the boys will go through two or three changes of clothes. Not because they want something different to wear, but because they have completely trashed the clothes they had on. Not only does their clothing constantly need washed, but it’s also in constant need of repair. They’re forever ripping pants and shirts, and losing their boots. I patch what I can and just let the rest go.

When you raise boys you’ll likely come up with your own rating system as to what warrants washing and what can be stretched another day or two. Don’t be ashamed of this. We all do it. It’s a system of survival.

If your homestead has some sort of water element on the property, then buy lots of clothing at Goodwill and expect to do a lot of laundry.

4. Nothing Is Safe

I could write a book about all the things my boys have almost destroyed (as well as a book about all the things they have). Not out of malice, of course, but just by their roughhousing and sheer exuberance.

Here’s a good example: yesterday I made the mistake of leaving my laptop and work notebook on the kitchen table instead of putting it away in our room for safety. Less than a minute after setting the laptop down, one of the boys came inside and set a dripping water balloon right next to it.

When you have boys, nothing in your house is safe. Vases will be knocked over by flying arrows or Nerf bullets. Pretty glasses will be shattered. That vintage lamp you love will wind up in a thousand pieces on the floor and you’ll thank the Universe that the boy emerged without a scratch on him. Your hammer and garden tools will forever be missing. And your good work gloves? Forget about it.

To save yourself some anxiety, I’d advise putting most if not all of your expensive, precious, and beautiful things away until your boys reach an age when they’re not constantly destroying things by accident. This might not be until they move out of the house, so pack them well. If you think you’ll feel nostalgic, take a picture of each item to look at on your phone from time to time.

5. Embrace Outdoor Peeing

There’s a lot of outdoor peeing around here. And really, I don’t mind this. The problem is that they often pee out in the front yard, which faces the highway we live on. I can’t tell you how many times they’ve excitedly whipped down their pants to pee and amused someone driving by on their way to town. I’ve seen the drivers pointing and smiling, so I can only imagine what our reputation is with the locals. I guess there’s far worse things to be known for.

Your boys will want to pee outdoors all.the.time. Encourage this. It’s less pee you have to clean up inside from their lack of aim.

6. Homeschooling Might Be Challenging

I often fantasize about how much easier it must be to homeschool girls than boys. Girls, it seems, have the ability to sit still and focus. They can be quiet and listen. You can ask them to do a craft or assignment and they’ll actually sit down and work on it until it’s done. Wow. Sounds like a vacation.

Trying to homeschool my two boys is like trying to convince a hurricane to stop blowing. It’s just so hard for them to sit still and do anything. Even dinner is punctuated with frequent bursts of physical activity.

If you plan to homeschool your boys, use that constant movement to your advantage. Send them out to play for at least 30 minutes before you start school and use that time to prepare for the day. By this I mean drink a gallon of Tension Tamer tea and practice your deep breathing.

Don’t be fooled into thinking they’ll find Francis Hodgson Burnett’s “The Secret Garden” as lovely as you did when you were a girl. Buy books about war and adventure to spark their interest and read aloud while you’re walking outside. I recommend the Nathan Hale’s Hazardous Tales series, which are comics about war and spies. You can read “The Secret Garden” after they’ve gone to bed.

Teach them survival skills outdoors, and talk about how historical figures like Lewis and Clark used these same skills when they were exploring the western half of the country.

In short, try to work with their insane physical-ness and interests. Anything less and all you’re doing is swimming upstream.

7. Potty Humor Starts Early

Don’t ask me why, but as soon as boys learn to talk they become fascinated with pooping, butts, farting, and penises. You can talk to them about being gentlemen all you want, but it will not stop their enthusiasm for potty humor. As you can see, their excitement over everything potty will even show up in the inventive artwork that will eventually grace the front of your refrigerator. Just roll with it and be glad Martha Stewart isn’t coming over.

I don’t know when the potty humor phase ends, as we’re still in the thick of it over here. I’m begging any parents who have successfully lived through this phase to chime in with their insights on when it stops.

8. Weapons Are Part of Boy Life

When my first son was born I resolved that we weren’t going to have toy guns. I couldn’t imagine him playing anything violent and, I reasoned, he can just play with blocks and trains instead. Fast forward seven years later, and you can see in the picture where we’re at.

I’ve come to realize that, for us, the best way to handle the weapon-obsession is to harness it and teach them how to use those weapons safely and responsibly. After all, forbidden fruit is always the sweetest, isn’t it? Well, if you make guns an everyday affair instead of forbidding their presence it takes away some of the novelty and fascination. They’re less likely to go out looking for guns when they use them regularly. And if they’re ever at a friend’s house where guns are not secured, they’re not tempted to touch those weapons or experiment with them.

You can buy all the gender-neutral toys you can find at the boutique toy store (I sure did.) But boys will eventually start turning whatever they can get their hands on into a weapon, even if it’s a stick. It seems to be embedded in their DNA.

9. You’ll Spend Most of Your Time Preventing Them From Killing Themselves

This will be your hardest challenge with raising boys.

Boys don’t have a sense of self preservation like girls do. They will scale barbed wire fences, pick up snakes, run to show you the incredibly sharp rusty scissors they just found behind the barn, fall down the ladder hole in the barn loft, and attempt to kill their siblings with a baseball bat. I speak of these things from experience.

With practice, and there will be tons of practice, you will become an expert at scanning for blood and determining with the speed of a veteran EMT which are serious and which you can safely ignore despite the wails.

My best piece of advice is to keep an incredibly well-stocked first aid kit and learn how to treat all kinds of trauma. Since having boys I’ve learned CPR, how to stop traumatic bleeding, how to splint a broken arm, how to pack and dress a serious wound, how to naturally prevent infections using herbs, and much more. If you have boys there will be injuries, so learn how to take care of them.

10. Prepare to Be Worshiped

I never expected to be worshiped and adored by my sons, but I am. Not a day goes by when I don’t receive an outpouring of love equivalent of Niagara Falls, a handful of wildflowers, a sweet caress to my face, or be on the receiving end of lavish compliments that never fail to bring a smile of joy to my face.

“Momma, you’re more beautiful than the sun,” said Huck the other day.

“Momma, if I was a dog, I would share my life with you,” said Julian.

I don’t know how it is with girls. But when boys love, they do it with their entire body and soul. They don’t just give you a hug, they give you a full-on body tackle bear hug. They don’t give discreet kisses, but a complete puckered-up lip smacker kiss. You’ll get love letters, bouquets, homemade presents made from sticks and jute cord, and enough adoration to make all the mess and insanity worth every second.

Again, I don’t know how long this phase lasts. I’m foolish enough to hope it’s forever.

Last Word

Life with boys is exhausting, but it’s never boring. These messy, muddy, loud creatures that fill your household with rocks and arrows and Army men will also fill your heart with more love than it can possibly hold. Boys are chaotic and crazy and completely wonderful. And, you will thank whatever deity you worship that you’re lucky enough to go along for the ride.

I’d love to hear back from you. Are you in the trenches parenting boys? What have you learned?